The Secret

 

“Secrets. Funny how, when you’re about to be given something precious, something you’ve wanted for a long time, you suddenly feel nervous over taking it.

Everyone wants more than anything to be allowed into someone else’s most secret self. Everyone wants to allow someone into their most secret self. Everyone feels so alone inside that their deepest wish is for someone to know their secret being, because then they are alone no longer. Don’t we all long for this? Yet when it’s offered it’s frightening, because you might not live up to the desires of the one who bestows the gift. And frightening because you know that accepting such a gift means you’ll want-perhaps be expected- to offer a similar gift in return. Which means giving your *self* away. And what’s more frightening than that?”
― Aidan Chambers, This is All: The Pillow Book of Cordelia Kenn

 

I absolutely love secrets.  I am the one person you can tell a secret to and know that it will never be told to anyone else.  There’s something about having a secret that makes the holder feel special.  I love knowing something about a person when they don’t know that I know it.  It’s not that I feel superior or anything like that, but it is kind of a power position.

 

The one thing that really pisses me off is to tell someone what I consider a secret and then find out they have spilled the beans at the first opportunity.  My first thought is to never, ever tell that person one of my secrets again.  Of course after a while that makes my world pretty small emotionally.  I have to keep an awful lot to myself.  There are many things I’d rather keep to myself.  I found the following article on wikiHow on keeping secrets:  http://www.wikihow.com/Keep-a-Secret

I used to wonder if there was a difference in having secrets and leading a secret life.  Personally, I believe that there is a very thin line between the two.  For example, let’s say that I’m married and having an emotional and sexual affair with another man.  I think that means that I am holding a secret; but I am also leading a secret life.  There’s no way that I can have an extramarital affair without leading a secret life.  Just think about the things I have got to do differently because of keeping this secret.  Even small things like purchasing special pretty lacy panties and bras only to be seen by my lover.  Not that my husband could not see me in this intimate attire, but it was purchased for my lover.  See what I mean…

What about when I put appointments on my calendar that have nothing to do with my real life but look valid enough that I’m never questioned about these entries?  What about if I plan to be at a conference that does not exist at all; but I find documentation to support my needing to be at the conference?  Anyway, I think you get my point.  Not only do I have at least one secret but I am also leading a secret life.  If I tell anyone but my lover about this secret, it will cease to be a secret.

 

Some may wonder what, if any, are some of the drawbacks or problems to keeping secrets and also possibly leading a secret life?  In my opinion, the biggest problem or issue is that one has to be so careful all the time.  That’s probably the reason you have to start “leading a secret life.”

 

What about careers where you are required to either keep secrets or even lead a known secret life?  Some examples are Secret Service agents who in my opinion are definitely required to lead a secret life.  I think the only people who know what they do for a living are their wives or husbands and their co-workers.  The psychiatrist, therapist and psychologists, hear many secrets that they must keep with a few exceptions.  Lawyers must keep a lot of secrets.  What about priests and what they have to listen to during confessions?  I can tell you, I could never be a Catholic, because I don’t believe in telling my secrets to another human being who probably has as many or more secrets to tell as I do.

          Think about your own life; do you have secrets or do you lead a secret life?